Because the voices told me to
by Annamia
Summary: “So, you’re telling me that the voices in your head told you to kiss Itachi?” Deidara nodded. “Forgive me for not believing you.” “It’s true, yeah!” from the author: why is there no category for genuine weirdness?


_Author's note: please don't ask me where this came from. i have NO idea. honestly! it wasn't ever intended to be this long, either. and now i _like_ the voices in deidara's head and they won't leave me alone and... argh! -muttermutter- it's so aggravating when this happens!  
Disclaimer: the creators of Naruto probably spend far less of their time thinking of weird fanfiction and more of their time writing their actual stories. (hint hint tamara) (Shut _up_ Kyra!)  
--kyra_

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"So, you're telling me that the voices in your head told you to kiss Itachi?"

Deidara nodded.

"Forgive me for not believing you."

"It's true, yeah!"

Sasori looked at his blond partner in exasperation. "You expect me to believe that?"

Deidara nodded. "It's true!" he repeated. "She's in love with him."

"She?"

Nod. "Yeah. She calls herself Izanami."

"Izanami?"

Nod.

Sasori shook his head in disgust. "How many is this now? Six?"

Deidara paused, counting on his fingers as he muttered. "Hideki, Hitoshi, Katsu, Kioshi, and Izanami. That's five."

"And the girl is in love with Itachi?"

Nod.

Sasori sighed. "You do see why I find this hard to believe, don't you?"

Shake.

"Deidara, is it _normal_ to have five other voices in your head telling you what to do?"

Nod.

"Only to you."

"I don't see what the problem is, yeah. It's not like _I_ love Itachi! It's just Izanami, and I've given her a stern talking to."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"She's agreed to look, not touch."

"Oh, and you think that _solves_ things, do you?"

Nod. "Like I said, it's not like _I'm_ in love with him."

"And what does Itachi think about this?"

Deidara opened his mouth to reply, then closed it, sighing.

"You haven't talked to him, have you?"

Shake.

"Honestly, Deidara! Do you think he'll like this?"

"It's not like _I_ can help it, yeah!"

"You can explain to Izanami that he's off limits."

"I tried."

"You're saying that the voices don't do what you tell them?"

Deidara gifted him with a look of withering scorn. "Does _anyone_ do what I tell them?"

Sasori couldn't help smiling slightly. "No," he admitted.

"Then why do you think they're any different? Just because they live in my head doesn't mean I have any actual _control_ over them you know."

"Just out of curiosity, why are they in your head?"

Deidara shrugged. "I dunno. They keep inviting friends, though. For instance, Izanami is Hitoshi's cousin, and Katsu and Kioshi knew each other as kids, and…"

"Knew each other as kids?"

Nod.

"How old _are_ they?"

Deidara frowned, considering. "Um… they won't tell me for sure, but I think Katsu and Kioshi are about my age. Hideki's a few years older, and Hitoshi's in the middle."

"And Izanami?"

Shrug. "She's a girl. How should I know?"

"You can't tell with girls?"

"'Course not. Can you?"

"I must say, I've never tried."

"You should. It's great fun."

"I think I'll pass."

Sasori got the distinct impression that they were getting very, _very_ far away from the actual topic of conversation, and he made an effort to bring it back. "But what about Itachi?"

Deidara sighed. "I thought we'd gone over this, yeah? It wasn't _my_ fault, and Izanami won't do it again."

"Right. Look, don't touch."

Nod.

"So when you oogle the most dangerous of us all, it's not actually you?"

Nod.

"He won't believe you."

"Not my fault!"

"I don't want to come home to a dead partner."

"Then tell Itachi that, yeah."

"Why don't you?"

Deidara grimaced. "I _will_! Just watch me, yeah!"

Sasori crossed his arms, waiting. Deidara sighed. He glanced around, probably looking for the black-haired criminal in question.

There he was! With a glance at Sasori that said, 'Just watch me do this!' he got up and walked over.

Sasori would have died to hear what they said, but, alas, his puppet body didn't come with enhanced hearing, and moving closer would seem like he was actually _worried_ about Deidara.

Finally, the triumphant blond walked back, a grin on his face.

"Well?" Sasori demanded, glancing towards Itachi.

"He says he understands and that he's not mad."

Sasori's eyes widened and his glance became a stare of outright disbelief. "You must be joking. Tell me you are joking."

Deidara shook his head.

"What were his exact words?"

Deidara sighed. "Um… touch me again and I'll kill you?"

That was better. Still, no death just for the first time? Was Itachi losing his touch? "Was that all?"

"He didn't understand about Izanami."

"I wonder why?"

Deidara ignored Sasori's muttered comment and continued, "and he said that he hoped I died on my next mission, and he said that if I didn't, he'd be happy to do the job instead, and he said – and I think he was humoring me here – that Izanami should keep her hands to herself and not go begging for favors where they're not being offered, and I said she would, and he said good and then he turned away, but I saw him fingering his katana, and I think I should leave here right_ now_!" That last was punctuated with a slight gulp, and Sasori turned to see Itachi coming towards them.

"Um… hi Itachi-san."

Itachi scowled at Sasori and continued walking towards Deidara, who was backing up just as quickly.

"Isn't it _my_ right to kill him?" Sasori demanded, trying to keep himself between his baka of a boyfriend and the cold killer trying to do him in. "I mean, he cheated on _me_, didn't he?"

Itachi glanced once at Sasori, then away. "Perhaps. But that does not matter."

"Yes it does! Wouldn't you want to be the one to do it in my situation?"

"If I were in your situation, I would have killed him long ago."

"But you're not! And it's still my choice!"

Itachi grimaced, but slowed slightly. "You won't kill him."

"I might."

"You won't."

"How do you know?"

"If you were going to kill him, you'd have done it already."

Oh. Right. Now what?

Before Sasori could answer, Deidara chocked, his hands going to his head. He began rocking back and forth, as though he were having some kind of seizure. Both Sasori and Itachi stared at him, the first in horrified concern, the second in slightly disappointed boredom.

Deidara fell to his knees, his face changing oh-so-subtly. "Itachi-san!" Was it just Sasori's imagination, or did Deidara's voice sound half an octave higher than usual. "I'm so sorry! I won't do it again, I promise! I… no!" Deidara's face shifted again and, in his normal voice, he gasped, "Go _away_! Haven't you done enough damage already?!"

Sasori's frown was steadily growing. "Deidara, what's going on?"

Deidara looked at him with slightly dulled eyes. "Izanami. She got control again." He scowled and added, clearly not to Sasori, "I told you _not_ to do that anymore!"

Itachi, who hadn't said a word throughout the entire spectacle, now took a step forward. "Izanami?"

Deidara groaned, his face changing again. "Yes Itachi-san?"

Itachi stepped forward again and slapped Deidara… Izanami. Hard. Izanami winced and shrank back.

"I don't love you. I never will love you. You are nothing to me. You never have been and you never will be."

Izanami's face crumpled. "But… Itachi-san!"

Sasori couldn't help feeling sorry for the girl. It had to be hard to face that kind of ultimate put-down. He knelt down next to her.

Itachi looked at her impassively. "Do you understand me?"

"Yes Itachi-san."

"Good. It will not happen again."

"Yes Itachi-san."

Itachi looked at her for a long moment, then turned and left. Iaznami watched him go, a tear dripping down her face. Then she shuddered violently and Deidara came back. He wiped the tear away in disgust, then looked at Sasori. He sighed.

"Do you understand now?"

Sasori nodded.

"Somehow, I don't think she'll try it again, though. He taught her her lesson, yeah."

Sasori nodded again. Deidara stood, dusting his Akatsuki robe off. "Are you still going to kill me?"

Sasori shook his head. Deidara grinned. "Good. 'Cause I kinda like being alive."

Sasori laughed despite himself. But he had to ask. "And Izanami?"

Deidara shrugged. "She'll get over it. She's sobbing in the back of my mind right now. Hitoshi's trying to comfort her, but it isn't working very well."

"Will she be all right?"

"She'd better be. You have no idea how annoying it is to have a heartbroken girl in your head."

"I can see how that would be… awkward."

"'Awkward' doesn't begin to cover it, yeah."

Sasori grimaced.

Deidara sighed. "But it won't help if we give her attention. She's like that, yeah." He looked around, noting that no one else was there. "Shall we go do something else?"

Sasori frowned. "Like what?"

Deidara shrugged, a slightly mischievous glint in his visible eye. "Have I told you I love you yet today?"

"Only when assuring me that you didn't love Itachi."

"Well, I love you, Sasori-san."

"So formal?"

"Am I forgiven?"

"Maybe."

"What can I do to be forgiven?"

Sasori looked at his partner, a smile playing around his lips. "Tell me you love me."

Deidara grinned. "Why don't I show you instead?"


End file.
